land of rest

Land of Rest is a blog of Peter Jenks. Poems, quotes and photos are by Peter Jenks (unless otherwise noted or I miss noting an older post's photo) and are copyrighted, you are free to use these if you acknowledge their source.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Winning and Losing

While walking the dog I often stop at the local convenience store and get a dog biscuit for the dog, find out what's in the headlines in the newspapers, hear whats going on in town and buy a lottery ticket. I will often joke whether it is a winning one or not. The pleasure I have found is in the idle dreaming on the way home about what I would do with the money if I were to win. These idle fantasies give me something to dream about and a way to pay attention to what is in my heart at the time.

I remember once being handed a ticket and the cashier commented that she hoped it was a winning one. I had a shiver, the thought of it actually winning scared me. What would I do if it actually happened. I had heard horror stories of winner's having their lives fall apart. It struck me that all of my relationships would change instantly with such money. It was a strange feeling to dream and hope to win and to fear such a thing at the same time.

The chances of winning with my occasional tickets is rarer than perhaps being struck by the space station keeps me grounded. Yet it was interesting to think that on one level I would risk having everything in my life change, and yet I would really not want it to change at all.

Are all my prayers so pulled and pushed as I offer them to God? I want my life to change, to come to know the Lord more closely and to surrender more fully to God's will; yet I also am comfortable with what I am doing. The simple awareness of such a tension helps me to accept myself and see more fully God's sense of humor and great mercy in loving me.

2 comments:

  1. Hey, I didn't know that you had a blog. I am enjoying the reading here. And in thinking about wanting and not wanting my life to change: I was thinking about parenting the other day. That I didn't really know this when I started out, but parenting asks of me (of us all?) to give myself up for the fodder of raising my children. All the fantasies, but also all of my ideals and morals. (Remember how being clean used to be a moral value until you had two children with the chicken pox and their health and comfort became more important than whether the dishes got done or you had a shower?) Parenting has asked of me the willingness to give up my life's blood and purpose (I am an artist) and there was a time that I thought it would come down to that. And then the art that I made with them became the teaching studio that I have now: it was all given back to me and more. Parenting also has asked of me to give up the convictions and lesons of my youth. The cloak of "meek girl" that I was convinced kept me safe in my childhood family became worthless when there was no one else to rescue my babies.

    I have given my heart and soul away so many times over these years of motherhood. Ready for some death in me that my Dear Ones might have what they need. And always heart and soul are returned to me mended with the glue of absolute Heaven, and I am given the power to walk on. I never believe it until my two ask again, that silent look of need in their eye, and I relinquish again the thought I couldn't or wouldn't give any human notion of my finite edges to make their wings.

    Then I too weep at God's very tender mercy and the honor of having been asked to love.

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  2. That is a wonderful, beautiful and touching reflection Robinsunne. Thanks

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