While walking the dog I often stop at the local convenience store and get a dog biscuit for the dog, find out what's in the headlines in the newspapers, hear whats going on in town and buy a lottery ticket. I will often joke whether it is a winning one or not. The pleasure I have found is in the idle dreaming on the way home about what I would do with the money if I were to win. These idle fantasies give me something to dream about and a way to pay attention to what is in my heart at the time.
I remember once being handed a ticket and the cashier commented that she hoped it was a winning one. I had a shiver, the thought of it actually winning scared me. What would I do if it actually happened. I had heard horror stories of winner's having their lives fall apart. It struck me that all of my relationships would change instantly with such money. It was a strange feeling to dream and hope to win and to fear such a thing at the same time.
The chances of winning with my occasional tickets is rarer than perhaps being struck by the space station keeps me grounded. Yet it was interesting to think that on one level I would risk having everything in my life change, and yet I would really not want it to change at all.
Are all my prayers so pulled and pushed as I offer them to God? I want my life to change, to come to know the Lord more closely and to surrender more fully to God's will; yet I also am comfortable with what I am doing. The simple awareness of such a tension helps me to accept myself and see more fully God's sense of humor and great mercy in loving me.